I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Randomize