Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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