My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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