He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
