i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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