I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Last time i carry you out of a forest
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
