my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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