Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Focus
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Someone shattered a urinal.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
