Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
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