We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
he thought i was a dude.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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