I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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