It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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