he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
