the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
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