...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
