i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
