I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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