First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
