what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
