someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
