i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
