Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
