I just pynch a tree in the face
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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