my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
