The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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