Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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