Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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