i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
