I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
