my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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