I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
