I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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