Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
