Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
