Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Randomize
