i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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