i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
