Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
