Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
