I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
you inspire me to be a worse person
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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