My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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