They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
