Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
