dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
