It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
