Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
