You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize