so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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