That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I could fuck to npr.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
