Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
