Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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