I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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