In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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