Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
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