It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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