if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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