he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize