I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
