I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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