hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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